I'm A Cruel Monster

Another problem just struck down in my life. I'm so flustered right now, I don't know what I should do. But, what's worst is that I'm a horrible person. I made someone cry so much, I feel like I have no heart anymore. It hurts me to see that this person cry a lot because of my actions. I never meant it and I was stupid enough to let it happen.

I really don't want to do this to happen, but it seems like the universe is not on the same side as me. It's like the problem is meant to happen to me. I feel like, it's trying to test me, but then again, making someone cry is not ok. I don't like to see people being sad or cry, even when I'm sad/crying.

The main point is, I really feel horrible, I feel like I'm such a heartless monster and I messed it up! Something hit me hard and just smashed my walls.

Maybe I am a horrible person, some people do think so. Trust me, they're talking about how horrible and heartless I am behind my backs. I mean, who doesn't these days? People talk badly behind other people's back. Like it's not a big a deal, but once you realize, it is. I obviously did it and I feel bad about it.

I like to make excuses about it, like 'I don't think I'm talking behind their backs, I'm just expressing my opinion.' but honestly, I think I could do even better than that. I could just tell that person directly, but of course not. Why? Cause, I'm too scared to admit it.I'm too scared to admit that I love someone or that I miss someone badly. I'm too scared to admit that I have quite a dislike on one my friends.

I'm such a horrible person and I'm trying to fix it.

Jomblo (Indonesian)

Jadi untuk sementara ini, kayak nya gw bakal masang status "Single" di Facebook dan BBM gw. Ya, single/jomblo itu sebener nya ga terlalu buruk, menurut gw. Kita bisa bebas dan ga usah harus mikirin tentang pasangan kita. Akhirnya, kita bisa fokus dengan masa depan dan tujuan hidup. Maka nya, anak kuliahan atau SMA biasa nya pada single.

Mungkin anak jaman sekarang pada bilang, single/jomblo itu ga gaul. Ah, omong kosong doang itu! Orang single itu berarti ga 'desperate' buat cinta. Kita mah biasa biasa aja. Tapi kalo single cuman ngincer seseorang ya gpp sih cuman rasa nya kayak nge betray kaum 'The Jomblos".

Jadi netral terhadap cowok dari pengalaman gw itu cukup susah, udah dari alam nya bagi wanita untuk berkata seperti itu. Tapi kalo lo emang punya temen yg netral BANGET terhadap cowok, tenang aja pasti akan datang waktu nya dimana mereka akan berada di dalam pelukan asmara.

Buat kalian yg lg berpacaran, maksud gw nulis ini bukan untung nge-nyindir kalian pada. Silahkan, kalian bilang kalo gw itu iri terhadap hubungan kalian. Ingat aja ini, gw itu ga segitu nya. Gw mungkin single/jomblo tapi gw juga punya harga diri.

Jadi buat lo pada yg lg berpacaran dan kalian mikir bahwa orang orang single sirik BANGET dengan hidup kalian. Kalian salah. Iya mungkin banyak orang iri dengan pacar lo yg ganteng tp udah cukup itu doang. Gausah jadi orang sombong seketika cuman gara gara itu.

Sekian posting gw hari ini untuk yg berbahasa Indonesia. Gw ga peduli kalo gaada yg baca, gw nulis karena gw suka. Sekian dan terima kasih.

Writing For Me

Writing is my passion and no one can stop me. It's what I do and I'll keep doing it for as long as I can. It's not just another hobby of mine, it's something more. I express my feelings through it, that's why it's so meaningful in my life.

If someone takes it away from me, I don't know what I'll do afterwards. I don't have such talents like everybody else. I'm no special, just ordinary is enough. I'm not multi-talented obviously, which is such a let down for my parents. But, I'll do my best in writing. I won't let this passion of mine goes to waste.

Almost Reaching To The Limit Point

Lately, I've been getting a lot of problems in my life. I mean who doesn't right these days? The difference is that other people handle their problems a lot better than I do. All I do is running from it. I don't solve it and to worst it all off, I over think it. Of course, you know what happens next! More problems!

The problem is myself. Why? I don't think I'm me again. The real 'me' isn't here anymore. Now in my opinion, is just the snobby-jealousy girl who doesn't appreciate her life and being FAKE all the time. All those fake laugh and smile?! I've been thinking that they might just be fake all along! Heck, how do I know!

I really miss being the old me, living my old life. I guess, time is ticking and rolling, eh? I eventually have to grow up and wake up that sooner or later, I'll have to face this big world on my own. How terrifying is that, huh? I don't even want to know!

***

Nowadays, I like to sit back on my chair while listening to sad-mopey songs. I don't know if I'm really depressed or sad, it just feels right listening to those kind of songs. The things that I've been getting through right now, are real hard piece of sh*t. Sorry for the swear there, but I just need to do it.

I may sound crazy but, I was thinking of self-harming. I know I'm over-reacting, but come one. It doesn't mean I'm giving up in life and go to the path of depression, I just feel like it's my last choice, you know?

I've been doing other things to let out my stress, for example, this.Blogging. I don't care if people call me I'm a nerd or things like that. Heck, it's better than self-harm. It doesn't mean that if you did that, makes you a bad person. No. You were just so desperate to find a release of your stress/depression.

But, for you people out there who's doing self-harm right now. I'm begging you right now from behind the keyboard, to stop doing it. Look around you and find other things to do. Obviously, not by pills or other bad things. But, like cooking maybe. Just keep your mind off those things. Or even have more sleep! I tried doing that but, it's just not my cup of tea. I love sleeping and all, it didn't work for me.

Writing is my passion, yet again I'm doubting it. There are lots of things that I'm doubting right now. My talent, scores, laugh, smile, and life. My back's been aching for days now, and I'm sick tired of it! I tried to get a massage but of course, delayed or even denied! Damn, this world!

***

That one part that I really want to write about, always end up in tears forming in my eyes. In the end, I would post what ever I typed. It's so pathetic of me. I've been much more miserable because of x. I wouldn't blame all of this on x , but since x treated me like this since a few days ago, crying is a routine for me every night.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I this close to the limit, but I still can restraint myself. Obviously, I don't know 'till when though. I might just lose it all tomorrow and end up having a bad scar on one of my wrists. I'm not looking for any sympathy for any of you people, I'm doing this for a stress relief.

If you have any problem with me doing this, DO PLEASE LEAVE THIS BLOG.
However, if you have any suggestions on how to handle all of this better, please do comment.

~Bai