Lately, I've been getting a lot of problems in my life. I mean who doesn't right these days? The difference is that other people handle their problems a lot better than I do. All I do is running from it. I don't solve it and to worst it all off, I over think it. Of course, you know what happens next! More problems!
The problem is myself. Why? I don't think I'm me again. The real 'me' isn't here anymore. Now in my opinion, is just the snobby-jealousy girl who doesn't appreciate her life and being FAKE all the time. All those fake laugh and smile?! I've been thinking that they might just be fake all along! Heck, how do I know!
I really miss being the old me, living my old life. I guess, time is ticking and rolling, eh? I eventually have to grow up and wake up that sooner or later, I'll have to face this big world on my own. How terrifying is that, huh? I don't even want to know!
***
Nowadays, I like to sit back on my chair while listening to sad-mopey songs. I don't know if I'm really depressed or sad, it just feels right listening to those kind of songs. The things that I've been getting through right now, are real hard piece of sh*t. Sorry for the swear there, but I just need to do it.
I may sound crazy but, I was thinking of self-harming. I know I'm over-reacting, but come one. It doesn't mean I'm giving up in life and go to the path of depression, I just feel like it's my last choice, you know?
I've been doing other things to let out my stress, for example, this.Blogging. I don't care if people call me I'm a nerd or things like that. Heck, it's better than self-harm. It doesn't mean that if you did that, makes you a bad person. No. You were just so desperate to find a release of your stress/depression.
But, for you people out there who's doing self-harm right now. I'm begging you right now from behind the keyboard, to stop doing it. Look around you and find other things to do. Obviously, not by pills or other bad things. But, like cooking maybe. Just keep your mind off those things. Or even have more sleep! I tried doing that but, it's just not my cup of tea. I love sleeping and all, it didn't work for me.
Writing is my passion, yet again I'm doubting it. There are lots of things that I'm doubting right now. My talent, scores, laugh, smile, and life. My back's been aching for days now, and I'm sick tired of it! I tried to get a massage but of course, delayed or even denied! Damn, this world!
***
That one part that I really want to write about, always end up in tears forming in my eyes. In the end, I would post what ever I typed. It's so pathetic of me. I've been much more miserable because of x. I wouldn't blame all of this on x , but since x treated me like this since a few days ago, crying is a routine for me every night.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I this close to the limit, but I still can restraint myself. Obviously, I don't know 'till when though. I might just lose it all tomorrow and end up having a bad scar on one of my wrists. I'm not looking for any sympathy for any of you people, I'm doing this for a stress relief.
If you have any problem with me doing this, DO PLEASE LEAVE THIS BLOG.
However, if you have any suggestions on how to handle all of this better, please do comment.
~Bai
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