Another problem just struck down in my life. I'm so flustered right now, I don't know what I should do. But, what's worst is that I'm a horrible person. I made someone cry so much, I feel like I have no heart anymore. It hurts me to see that this person cry a lot because of my actions. I never meant it and I was stupid enough to let it happen.
I really don't want to do this to happen, but it seems like the universe is not on the same side as me. It's like the problem is meant to happen to me. I feel like, it's trying to test me, but then again, making someone cry is not ok. I don't like to see people being sad or cry, even when I'm sad/crying.
The main point is, I really feel horrible, I feel like I'm such a heartless monster and I messed it up! Something hit me hard and just smashed my walls.
Maybe I am a horrible person, some people do think so. Trust me, they're talking about how horrible and heartless I am behind my backs. I mean, who doesn't these days? People talk badly behind other people's back. Like it's not a big a deal, but once you realize, it is. I obviously did it and I feel bad about it.
I like to make excuses about it, like 'I don't think I'm talking behind their backs, I'm just expressing my opinion.' but honestly, I think I could do even better than that. I could just tell that person directly, but of course not. Why? Cause, I'm too scared to admit it.I'm too scared to admit that I love someone or that I miss someone badly. I'm too scared to admit that I have quite a dislike on one my friends.
I'm such a horrible person and I'm trying to fix it.
Jumat, 22 November 2013
Kamis, 21 November 2013
Jomblo (Indonesian)
Jadi untuk sementara ini, kayak nya gw bakal masang status "Single" di Facebook dan BBM gw. Ya, single/jomblo itu sebener nya ga terlalu buruk, menurut gw. Kita bisa bebas dan ga usah harus mikirin tentang pasangan kita. Akhirnya, kita bisa fokus dengan masa depan dan tujuan hidup. Maka nya, anak kuliahan atau SMA biasa nya pada single.
Mungkin anak jaman sekarang pada bilang, single/jomblo itu ga gaul. Ah, omong kosong doang itu! Orang single itu berarti ga 'desperate' buat cinta. Kita mah biasa biasa aja. Tapi kalo single cuman ngincer seseorang ya gpp sih cuman rasa nya kayak nge betray kaum 'The Jomblos".
Jadi netral terhadap cowok dari pengalaman gw itu cukup susah, udah dari alam nya bagi wanita untuk berkata seperti itu. Tapi kalo lo emang punya temen yg netral BANGET terhadap cowok, tenang aja pasti akan datang waktu nya dimana mereka akan berada di dalam pelukan asmara.
Buat kalian yg lg berpacaran, maksud gw nulis ini bukan untung nge-nyindir kalian pada. Silahkan, kalian bilang kalo gw itu iri terhadap hubungan kalian. Ingat aja ini, gw itu ga segitu nya. Gw mungkin single/jomblo tapi gw juga punya harga diri.
Jadi buat lo pada yg lg berpacaran dan kalian mikir bahwa orang orang single sirik BANGET dengan hidup kalian. Kalian salah. Iya mungkin banyak orang iri dengan pacar lo yg ganteng tp udah cukup itu doang. Gausah jadi orang sombong seketika cuman gara gara itu.
Sekian posting gw hari ini untuk yg berbahasa Indonesia. Gw ga peduli kalo gaada yg baca, gw nulis karena gw suka. Sekian dan terima kasih.
Mungkin anak jaman sekarang pada bilang, single/jomblo itu ga gaul. Ah, omong kosong doang itu! Orang single itu berarti ga 'desperate' buat cinta. Kita mah biasa biasa aja. Tapi kalo single cuman ngincer seseorang ya gpp sih cuman rasa nya kayak nge betray kaum 'The Jomblos".
Jadi netral terhadap cowok dari pengalaman gw itu cukup susah, udah dari alam nya bagi wanita untuk berkata seperti itu. Tapi kalo lo emang punya temen yg netral BANGET terhadap cowok, tenang aja pasti akan datang waktu nya dimana mereka akan berada di dalam pelukan asmara.
Buat kalian yg lg berpacaran, maksud gw nulis ini bukan untung nge-nyindir kalian pada. Silahkan, kalian bilang kalo gw itu iri terhadap hubungan kalian. Ingat aja ini, gw itu ga segitu nya. Gw mungkin single/jomblo tapi gw juga punya harga diri.
Jadi buat lo pada yg lg berpacaran dan kalian mikir bahwa orang orang single sirik BANGET dengan hidup kalian. Kalian salah. Iya mungkin banyak orang iri dengan pacar lo yg ganteng tp udah cukup itu doang. Gausah jadi orang sombong seketika cuman gara gara itu.
Sekian posting gw hari ini untuk yg berbahasa Indonesia. Gw ga peduli kalo gaada yg baca, gw nulis karena gw suka. Sekian dan terima kasih.
Writing For Me
Writing is my passion and no one can stop me. It's what I do and I'll keep doing it for as long as I can. It's not just another hobby of mine, it's something more. I express my feelings through it, that's why it's so meaningful in my life.
If someone takes it away from me, I don't know what I'll do afterwards. I don't have such talents like everybody else. I'm no special, just ordinary is enough. I'm not multi-talented obviously, which is such a let down for my parents. But, I'll do my best in writing. I won't let this passion of mine goes to waste.
If someone takes it away from me, I don't know what I'll do afterwards. I don't have such talents like everybody else. I'm no special, just ordinary is enough. I'm not multi-talented obviously, which is such a let down for my parents. But, I'll do my best in writing. I won't let this passion of mine goes to waste.
Selasa, 19 November 2013
Almost Reaching To The Limit Point
Lately, I've been getting a lot of problems in my life. I mean who doesn't right these days? The difference is that other people handle their problems a lot better than I do. All I do is running from it. I don't solve it and to worst it all off, I over think it. Of course, you know what happens next! More problems!
The problem is myself. Why? I don't think I'm me again. The real 'me' isn't here anymore. Now in my opinion, is just the snobby-jealousy girl who doesn't appreciate her life and being FAKE all the time. All those fake laugh and smile?! I've been thinking that they might just be fake all along! Heck, how do I know!
I really miss being the old me, living my old life. I guess, time is ticking and rolling, eh? I eventually have to grow up and wake up that sooner or later, I'll have to face this big world on my own. How terrifying is that, huh? I don't even want to know!
***
Nowadays, I like to sit back on my chair while listening to sad-mopey songs. I don't know if I'm really depressed or sad, it just feels right listening to those kind of songs. The things that I've been getting through right now, are real hard piece of sh*t. Sorry for the swear there, but I just need to do it.
I may sound crazy but, I was thinking of self-harming. I know I'm over-reacting, but come one. It doesn't mean I'm giving up in life and go to the path of depression, I just feel like it's my last choice, you know?
I've been doing other things to let out my stress, for example, this.Blogging. I don't care if people call me I'm a nerd or things like that. Heck, it's better than self-harm. It doesn't mean that if you did that, makes you a bad person. No. You were just so desperate to find a release of your stress/depression.
But, for you people out there who's doing self-harm right now. I'm begging you right now from behind the keyboard, to stop doing it. Look around you and find other things to do. Obviously, not by pills or other bad things. But, like cooking maybe. Just keep your mind off those things. Or even have more sleep! I tried doing that but, it's just not my cup of tea. I love sleeping and all, it didn't work for me.
Writing is my passion, yet again I'm doubting it. There are lots of things that I'm doubting right now. My talent, scores, laugh, smile, and life. My back's been aching for days now, and I'm sick tired of it! I tried to get a massage but of course, delayed or even denied! Damn, this world!
***
That one part that I really want to write about, always end up in tears forming in my eyes. In the end, I would post what ever I typed. It's so pathetic of me. I've been much more miserable because of x. I wouldn't blame all of this on x , but since x treated me like this since a few days ago, crying is a routine for me every night.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I this close to the limit, but I still can restraint myself. Obviously, I don't know 'till when though. I might just lose it all tomorrow and end up having a bad scar on one of my wrists. I'm not looking for any sympathy for any of you people, I'm doing this for a stress relief.
If you have any problem with me doing this, DO PLEASE LEAVE THIS BLOG.
However, if you have any suggestions on how to handle all of this better, please do comment.
~Bai
The problem is myself. Why? I don't think I'm me again. The real 'me' isn't here anymore. Now in my opinion, is just the snobby-jealousy girl who doesn't appreciate her life and being FAKE all the time. All those fake laugh and smile?! I've been thinking that they might just be fake all along! Heck, how do I know!
I really miss being the old me, living my old life. I guess, time is ticking and rolling, eh? I eventually have to grow up and wake up that sooner or later, I'll have to face this big world on my own. How terrifying is that, huh? I don't even want to know!
***
Nowadays, I like to sit back on my chair while listening to sad-mopey songs. I don't know if I'm really depressed or sad, it just feels right listening to those kind of songs. The things that I've been getting through right now, are real hard piece of sh*t. Sorry for the swear there, but I just need to do it.
I may sound crazy but, I was thinking of self-harming. I know I'm over-reacting, but come one. It doesn't mean I'm giving up in life and go to the path of depression, I just feel like it's my last choice, you know?
I've been doing other things to let out my stress, for example, this.Blogging. I don't care if people call me I'm a nerd or things like that. Heck, it's better than self-harm. It doesn't mean that if you did that, makes you a bad person. No. You were just so desperate to find a release of your stress/depression.
But, for you people out there who's doing self-harm right now. I'm begging you right now from behind the keyboard, to stop doing it. Look around you and find other things to do. Obviously, not by pills or other bad things. But, like cooking maybe. Just keep your mind off those things. Or even have more sleep! I tried doing that but, it's just not my cup of tea. I love sleeping and all, it didn't work for me.
Writing is my passion, yet again I'm doubting it. There are lots of things that I'm doubting right now. My talent, scores, laugh, smile, and life. My back's been aching for days now, and I'm sick tired of it! I tried to get a massage but of course, delayed or even denied! Damn, this world!
***
That one part that I really want to write about, always end up in tears forming in my eyes. In the end, I would post what ever I typed. It's so pathetic of me. I've been much more miserable because of x. I wouldn't blame all of this on x , but since x treated me like this since a few days ago, crying is a routine for me every night.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I this close to the limit, but I still can restraint myself. Obviously, I don't know 'till when though. I might just lose it all tomorrow and end up having a bad scar on one of my wrists. I'm not looking for any sympathy for any of you people, I'm doing this for a stress relief.
If you have any problem with me doing this, DO PLEASE LEAVE THIS BLOG.
However, if you have any suggestions on how to handle all of this better, please do comment.
~Bai
Jumat, 04 Oktober 2013
Losing Your Close Friends
Losing your best friend or close friend might gonna be stressful for you. Well, that happened to me. Right now, it's a matter of losing them and making them my enemies or me being a stranger to them.
Both of them are really good friends with me. Especially one of them, he is my 'brother'. he was so close to me when i was still 7th grade and I miss those moments.
Now he changed. i cried for him and i feel pathetic about it. i don't like him or something but you know what, i deserve it.
Why? because, he liked me and he really cared about me but all I did was, i dated with another guy and he was there for me, backing me up when i had problems with my ex-boyfriend.
now he deserves to be happy with another junior, my junior. it's kind of sad to think all the bad things that he is probably saying to my junior. plus, right after our conversation, he tweeted something and i think he's directing it to me. Which caused me break down in tears.
It's really screwed but, eh, what do i have in chances? idk. I can only oray that everything will be alright :)
Sabtu, 21 September 2013
Cinta
Cinta itu labil. Kadang ribet, sedih, menyakitkan, simple, romantis, dan lain-lain. Tapi kalo emang udah sayang dan sayang nya itu dari hati, gabisa di halangin lagi. Mau dipaksa putus kadang juga pasti akhir nya putus nya satu/dua tahun kemudian, atau mungkin 3/5 bulan kemudian.
Pengalaman gw sama cinta yang udah pernah terjadi 3 kali, ga begitu ribet yang dua kali nya. Tapi yang ketiga, bisa dibilang agak ribet. Meskipun sekarang udah putus, tapi gw masih ngerasa rasa sayang di hati gw yang paling dalam. Aneh kan? Kenapa gw putus kalo gw masih sayang? Gatau tuh, hati gw.
Pertama nya alesan gw itu karena gw ga kuat dengan perubahan nya. Bulan pertama dia romantis sama perhatian banget. Bulan kedua-keempat berubah total. Cuek lah, renggang, dll. Gaenak pokok nya. Gw udah coba ngomong ke dia soal itu tapi tetep aja dia malah balik lagi ke diri nya yg cuek dan renggang. Pusing gw sampe gw ubanan kali ya.
Sahabat-sahabat gw udah berkali-kali ngasih tau gw buat putus tapi tetep aja, gara-gara rasa sayang gw ke dia, ga rela putus. Sampai akhir nya, gw mutusin dia lewat e-mail dengan kata" yg gw harus type dengan ragu. Pas hari putus itu, hati gw ga ngerasa rasa sayang itu. Gw ga tau kenapa, mungkin aja hati gw pas itu ditutupin awan benci atau hujan sedih. Pokok nya gw ragu-yakin buat putus. Aneh kan? Tau tuh, hati gw.
Setelah putus, gw coba jadi netral terhadap cowok. Eh tau-tau nya minggu pertama setelah putus, gw suka sama cowok, temen nya mantan gw lagi. Kacau misi gw. Gw coba bikin diri gw ga suka sama dia, tapi percuma. Dan itu yg gw kira. Lama-lama gw ga suka sama dia, eh tau" nya rasa suka itu malah ke mantan gw.
Meskipun dulu gw suka bilang dia itu bajingan sama brengsek, tapi malam ini gw mulai ngerasa kangen sama chat yg gw alami sama dia. Gw mulai baca chat" nya yg gw simpen. Suram kan hidup gw? Nyimpen chat antara mantan sama gw, kan seharus nya di delete.
Gw udah mikir soal balikan tapi gw ga yakin. Takut di tolak, tapi sebener nya kalo gw ditolak sih ga wajar. Bukan nya gw sombong dengan menyatakan bahwa semua cowok tuh gabisa resist gw atau gimana, tapi ya ga wajar karena gara" dia gw mutusin dia.
Kalo menurut ramalan gw ya, kalo dia terima dia bakalan perjuangin. KALO DIA MASIH SAYANG SAMA GW.
Tapi kalo ga dan dia tetep nerima gw, ya di ulang deh cerita nya. Bosenin, ga kelar-kelar!
Dan kalo dia tolak gw, ya udah. Berarti dia udah move on atau dia sadar bahwa seharus nya gw nyari cowok lain. Nah kalo pola pikiran nya dia kayak gitu, berarti dia bukan bajingan ataupun brengsek. DAN BUKAN HOMO JUGA YA. Tapi dia itu pinter dan perhatian.
Mungkin lo pikir habis baca ini, lo bilang ke komputer/laptop/hp/dll lo, "Ni anak, masih muda tapi ngira cinta itu kayak gitu." Dan gw hanya bisa jawab, "Ya, gw bilang pendapat gw tentang cinta kayak gini itu berasal dari pengalaman cinta gw." Mungkin perjalanan cinta gw belum selesai ataupun setengah jalan.
Tapi gw udah cukup tahu tentang masalah apa aja yg gw bakal hadapin.
~
Pengalaman gw sama cinta yang udah pernah terjadi 3 kali, ga begitu ribet yang dua kali nya. Tapi yang ketiga, bisa dibilang agak ribet. Meskipun sekarang udah putus, tapi gw masih ngerasa rasa sayang di hati gw yang paling dalam. Aneh kan? Kenapa gw putus kalo gw masih sayang? Gatau tuh, hati gw.
Pertama nya alesan gw itu karena gw ga kuat dengan perubahan nya. Bulan pertama dia romantis sama perhatian banget. Bulan kedua-keempat berubah total. Cuek lah, renggang, dll. Gaenak pokok nya. Gw udah coba ngomong ke dia soal itu tapi tetep aja dia malah balik lagi ke diri nya yg cuek dan renggang. Pusing gw sampe gw ubanan kali ya.
Sahabat-sahabat gw udah berkali-kali ngasih tau gw buat putus tapi tetep aja, gara-gara rasa sayang gw ke dia, ga rela putus. Sampai akhir nya, gw mutusin dia lewat e-mail dengan kata" yg gw harus type dengan ragu. Pas hari putus itu, hati gw ga ngerasa rasa sayang itu. Gw ga tau kenapa, mungkin aja hati gw pas itu ditutupin awan benci atau hujan sedih. Pokok nya gw ragu-yakin buat putus. Aneh kan? Tau tuh, hati gw.
Setelah putus, gw coba jadi netral terhadap cowok. Eh tau-tau nya minggu pertama setelah putus, gw suka sama cowok, temen nya mantan gw lagi. Kacau misi gw. Gw coba bikin diri gw ga suka sama dia, tapi percuma. Dan itu yg gw kira. Lama-lama gw ga suka sama dia, eh tau" nya rasa suka itu malah ke mantan gw.
Meskipun dulu gw suka bilang dia itu bajingan sama brengsek, tapi malam ini gw mulai ngerasa kangen sama chat yg gw alami sama dia. Gw mulai baca chat" nya yg gw simpen. Suram kan hidup gw? Nyimpen chat antara mantan sama gw, kan seharus nya di delete.
Gw udah mikir soal balikan tapi gw ga yakin. Takut di tolak, tapi sebener nya kalo gw ditolak sih ga wajar. Bukan nya gw sombong dengan menyatakan bahwa semua cowok tuh gabisa resist gw atau gimana, tapi ya ga wajar karena gara" dia gw mutusin dia.
Kalo menurut ramalan gw ya, kalo dia terima dia bakalan perjuangin. KALO DIA MASIH SAYANG SAMA GW.
Tapi kalo ga dan dia tetep nerima gw, ya di ulang deh cerita nya. Bosenin, ga kelar-kelar!
Dan kalo dia tolak gw, ya udah. Berarti dia udah move on atau dia sadar bahwa seharus nya gw nyari cowok lain. Nah kalo pola pikiran nya dia kayak gitu, berarti dia bukan bajingan ataupun brengsek. DAN BUKAN HOMO JUGA YA. Tapi dia itu pinter dan perhatian.
Mungkin lo pikir habis baca ini, lo bilang ke komputer/laptop/hp/dll lo, "Ni anak, masih muda tapi ngira cinta itu kayak gitu." Dan gw hanya bisa jawab, "Ya, gw bilang pendapat gw tentang cinta kayak gini itu berasal dari pengalaman cinta gw." Mungkin perjalanan cinta gw belum selesai ataupun setengah jalan.
Tapi gw udah cukup tahu tentang masalah apa aja yg gw bakal hadapin.
~
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